Puppet Master


When I just started dating Z (my Spring fling), there was something about him that scared me. I wasn’t sure if it was him or me but  I guess it was just the dynamics.

There was a way he initially talked to me that made me feel like I couldn’t say no to him. I didn’t understand why but it was like a hardship on my part to turn him down. Looking back. I don’t know how we didn’t end up not having sex. I thank God for that. We had instances where we got really close but I was firm and said I wasn’t ready and he listened.




I feel broken hearted. I know I was the one who broke it off… who asked him to leave me alone many times. But now that he actually listened and stopped calling me, I realized that I miss(?) him and I actually like him more than I thought I did… more than I should have.

I know he’s not good for me… there are so many deal breakers.  I have decided from the beginning that this is something that is not going to last. But I should have know better. I couldn’t handle my emotions. Why did I even bother?


Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile


Once you go Black… really?

Zohan was the first black guy I ever dated. I won’t mince my words, he turned into an @$$hole almost immediately when we started dating. He was hot and cold and shady and got me all confused. But he’s a very different person at Ground Zero… almost everyone liked him there. He’s very charming, a great listener and he seems to be there for people. That’s how I fell for him. I’ve known him since last year but I wasn’t really talking to him. He wasn’t my type even though I did think he was kinda cute. But I had a moment where I was down and vulnerable and I guess he saw that window of opportunity. He swooped in and took advantage of it like a real player playing a fiddle. He was there for me (so I thought) and we got close and that was the beginning of the end. Ugh!

Anyway, I can’t explain what happened. He turned out to be very manipulative, a sweet talker, a “breadcrumber”, a liar and a taker. The exact opposite of what he was selling when we started going out. Initially, he seemed quite interested in what I want. He kept on asking what made me happy, what my hobbies were, what I wanted coz he says he was a “pleaser”… and I would spare you all the graphic stuff but you know where I’m going. I think he’s just used to women who don’t mind being treated like dirt and I warned him that I don’t put up with crap and I guess he thought I was kidding. End of story.


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No way! Master Yoda, too???!!!




So I can’t say I had a bad run yet. But I won’t write them all off. As I told him, I’m color blind. I didn’t date him coz he was Black. I liked him for who he was til he showed me his true colors.

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I felt that he was so confident that once I got a taste of his tool that I’d be begging for more. I think that’s his experience with other women. They didn’t care being treated like dirt for as long as they get more of the “drug” he offered. That made him more friggin’ cocky. Like he is God’s gift to women.  Ugh!!! I actually felt curious and almost dared to prove him wrong. Actually, prove the cliché wrong that “Once you go black… “. But that meant that it’ll benefit him too and give him bragging rights so I gave it a No-Go.

I actually felt a little curious just coz he talked (bragged) about it a little too much… and I almost dared to prove him wrong. Actually, wanted to prove the cliché wrong that “Once you go black…” But one night when we were together, he said to me, “I get what I want.” He said it matter of factly. It wasn’t a serious conversation but it stuck and I thought to myself. “I get what I want, too. And screw you! You won’t get a piece of this.” And I stood by it.


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Part of me still fantasizes about how it would be like with Zohan. But I think that he’s only good in my fantasy. I honestly think he’s a dud considering the few times we were together, I think he’ll just go straight to it and won’t even bother “pre-heating the oven” if you get what I mean. He’s one of those dudes who doesn’t wanna be bothered with those amatory preludes coz they feel their dick is big enough to rock your world.


Now that he sparked my curiosity about black dudes I really wanna prove if the cliché is true. But I may be setting myself up into a trap that I might not be able to get out of.

I just hope that I’ll meet one who’s also big on integrity like myself. Who is honest and nice and won’t be playing games. I’m a big girl, I think I can handle it.


Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile



Un peu, beaucoup, aveuglément!

After the disastrous experience I had with Zohan, I felt like it left a bad taste in my mouth. It’ll take time before I start dating again. I feel like I lost confidence in myself as far as trusting people… men in particular.

How can I be so blind and gullible?! STOP!!! I’m back in this cycle of being harsh to myself. That is not my affirmation.  It’s not my fault that there are people who are good at being so fake and manipulative… who just want to take advantage of others.  Moving forward, I just have to be smarter and trust my gut.

Around the time we were seeing each other the Universe sent me messages…. plenty actually. But  I chose not to listen. I was so drawn to him for some reason.  (I wrote about it in Puppet Master.) Then the Universe started throwing bricks… still  I was back and forth. Then the Universe intervened one day. Abruptly,  if I may say. Call it Divine intervention. What a relief it was for me. You have no idea. I was totally saved by the bell. Things could’ve made a turn for the worse for me.


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Today I turn a new leaf. The Universe sent me a new message thru Abraham Hicks “Let your soul mate in: Being true to yourself“.  The message… Nothing is happening to you, it is all invited by you. You invited them through your ATTENTION to them. Now you are aware that you are the “Inviter‘ of these things that happen to you. Next move is for you to go on a rampage of SELECTIVE SIFTING that would say “I’m going to find my 10 favorite things about this person/thing/situation that I find myself focused on”. For example, if you ponder on a lover/ relationship, find 10 fave things about that person then you’ll  just focus on things that are positive. This will set the TONE so that only things like your favorite things will come into your vibrational range.



Un peu, beaucoup, aveuglément! (BLIND DATE)


Blind Date (French title: Un peu, beaucoup, aveuglément) is a 2015 French romantic comedy film directed by and starring Clovis Cornillac. The film also stars Mélanie Bernier, Lilou Fogli and Philippe Duquesne. It won the audience award at the 19th annual COLCOA French Film Festival in Los Angeles and the Best First Film award at the 2015 Cabourg Film Festival.   SOURCE: Wiki


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Today, I watched this movie. No, I still haven’t changed my mind about dating anytime soon… though I would be open to a blind date when the time comes. However, I thought, these two people were too scared to go find love but they found each other though separated by a wall. It was pretty odd but it was perfect in their own way. Don’t they say the movies is a reflection of real life?

Now that I am in a state of increased awareness, I’ll use that to my advantage.  I’ll be more conscious of the thoughts that occupy my mind and make a more conscious decision to focus on the 10 favorite things about people or situations so I can always set the tone and keep it that way.


Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile



Size doesn’t matter…

Whilst I was still seeing Zohan, we had some back and forth about penis size. I told him I’ve never dated anyone who bragged about his dick so much. Well, he kept insinuating that I couldn’t handle it. Whatever! Ugh! (I mentioned in a previous post that he does have Big Hands),


Zohan: Have you ever been with a black guy?
Me: No.
Zohan: Um, ok (smile naughty — I think)
Me: What’s up? What does that mean?
Zohan: Nothing. Just asking.
Me: Nope. You were smiling funny.  That meant something. What???
Zohan: Well, ok. Just wanted to say you’re missing out… (chuckles)
Me: Excuse you. Missing out on what? I’ve heard that cliche before, if that’s what you mean and I think it’s overrated. And, I haven’t been with a black guy coz I haven’t met one that I liked.
Zohan: Okay… (smiles and chuckles)
Me: No, really. It’s all the same to me. And I’m color blind.
Zohan: So you’re saying if I were this small (holding his pinky out) that you wouldn’t mind?
Me: Nope. Size doesn’t matter. Fit matters.
Zohan: What does that even mean???
Me: Well, even if you have a big dick if you don’t know how to pleasure a woman,  then what’s the point? Meanwhile, if you have a small to average dick there’s a chance you might try to compensate.
Zohan: rolls his eyes
Me: I win! 🙂


Our conversations were a little tongue in cheek and I enjoyed it… as much as he made me blush… a lot! He didn’t make it sound bad or dirty. I would end up rolling my eyes so much it gave me a headache… lol 🙂   and I think he really thought it was cute… haha


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My argument was, “Size doesn’t matter, fit matters“… then I found this quote that I’ve never heard before… It makes sense. If you think about it, even if it fits but if the captain can’t stay in the port long enough, it’ll piss you off… lol   It does make sense, right?



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We would’ve been a good match. We talked about sex a lot. It was obvious that we both loved sex. Too bad we didn’t get a chance to show each other how mindblowing it would’ve been.

But I have no regrets, with his performance in making out in the car, I didn’t think I missed out on something big. Especially not on the kissing part. If you think about your ex when a guy kisses you, that should be a sign… haha



Long story short, I never gave him a chance to prove that I couldn’t handle his dick. He was a talker and I decided that he didn’t deserve me. I was too good for him.

He has been stalking me coz I gave him a snippet of some of my magic 😉 …  “mind blowing ” stuff indeed. His words, not mine.  I never gave him a chance to show me some of his tricks coz he spent his time yapping when he could’ve acted on it. Obviously, he wasn’t good in the game.


Studies have shown that out of a broad range of penis features, the size is one of the least important things to women. More important to women than the size of their partener’s penis was its cosmetic appearance and the appearance of pubic hair. 

Only women who were easily and frequently able to experience vaginal orgasms showed a significant preference towards men with larger penises. So, for most women, the length of your penis has absolutely no influence on your skills as a lover.

Penises which are too large are a turn off … Men with big penises reading this may have gotten this far and still maintained a happy level of smugness. Well, this might wipe the smile off their faces, because it turns out that flaccid penises over 7.6cm ( 2.9in) were actually ranked as being unattractive by females. So next time you’re in a changing room, peering sideways at the member of the man next to you – remember, comparing yourself to other men isn’t helpful! Penises come in all shapes and sizes, and the length doesn’t have much influence on the pleasure you can give your partner. If you really want to make sure you’re a Casanova in the bedroom; embrace your natural penis size and google ‘CLITORIS’ instead. — (SOURCEWhy Size Doesn’t Matter)

I found this interesting article that you might want to check out… Can a Penis Be Too Big for Your Vagina?


So what do you think?

Does size matter?


Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile



To the left… To the left…

I’m done!

You probably think I’m like the boy who cried wolf but I really am done. I’ve decided that this is it and I have to move on and focus on my priorities. I do not like the person I have become. I feel like I’m second guessing myself, feeling like I’m losing my sanity and being a biatch coz of frustration. My school and work are both affected and I can’t stop thinking and/or talking about him.  This is not what I signed up for. So yes, I am so done with this.

I knew from the get-go that this was not going anywhere but I still took a leap and gave it a chance. I didn’t realize it was going to turn out like this. I should’ve listened to my gut early on. I said I wasn’t going to settle. I am not! It’s not too late.


So why did I give him so many chances? I don’t think I liked him that much. There were so many deal breakers to begin with.

Adam LoDolce broke it down for me…

Let’s talk about introspection and resilience…


A good relationship does not require resiliency.

Sometimes ending something is more courageous than pushing through it.


Take a moment of introspection…  Have you been too resilient when you noticed that the relationship was going South? The women who are ultimately successful in finding love are the ones who are not resilient when they met the wrong guy. They had the courage to stand up, realize that the situation is just wrong and move on with their lives. Every minute you stay in a bad relationship is a minute of your life wasted where you could have been available for the right relationship. ~~~ Adam LoDolce




  • She’s a people pleaser.
  • Fear of the unknown — rather have a current shitty situation than taking a risk.
  • She loves to try to fix people.
  • She finds tumultuous relationships far more exciting than healthy (fulfilling) relationships
  • He’s using leverage and he’s threatening you.


I have decided that I will no longer waste a single minute of my life moping about this. I made a big mistake and I should stop beating myself up.

Lesson learned.

Turn a new leaf.

Move forward.



Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile



Ground Rules (for Dating)


It is important in every relationship that ground rules are established from the very beginning and those clear boundaries are set. This would be a great guide for a person to decide whether to stay and move forward or move on.





I don’t remember how many times I have asked Zohan to leave me alone in the short time we have been dating.  I guess he wasn’t taking me that seriously coz he knew how much I liked him and my heart was really torn. I hate that I was so easily swayed by this extremely charming man. Ugh!!! Again and again, he asks me to stop and give him a chance. I told him if I do decide to do this we’ll have to establish some ground rules. He says, “Bring it on. Give me a list.

I thought about it and ended up with 10 ground rules. These are the basic ingredients in a relationship but I tweaked it a little bit to honor my needs. These are some of the things I listed though I did break it down for him.


1. Trust & Honesty …  transparency and developing a friendship. Giving each other “Space & Privacy”.
2. Integrity … honoring your word. More action less talk.
3. Communication …  keeping an open line of communication, listen attentively and be able to talk to each other respectfully.
4. Compromise… making it “win-win”.
5. Respect… Accept. Don’t judge. Let be. Let grow.
6. Safety & Security… I need to feel safe not just physically but emotionally and  mentally… and I do not want to jeopardize my relationships, my education, my job, or sanity.
7. Dating … making sure we find room for QT  somewhere in our very busy schedules.
8. No Pressure… Just plain unadulterated FUN… respect individual priorities. And fun actually means F-U-N… not s-e-x.
9. Taboo topics… money, religion, politics. SEX with me. (til I’m ready)
10. Ground Zero… be more discrete. Less contact.

I was back and forth about giving him the list. I was waiting for us to have alone time where I can get his undivided attention. At the same time, I think I didn’t do it because deep inside I felt like I didn’t even want to give him the list anymore. I felt it wasn’t worth it anymore coz the butterflies in my tummy were becoming more and more unpleasant.

I’ve been thinking… Do I really want to give him these many chances? What’s the point of this since I make attempts at moving on almost every week? That must tell you something. Right? Listen to your gut, b#tch! Tough love! What’s wrong with you?!!!

But every time we talked he does compromise though… then I go back to square one. 😦  I noticed that he seemed to be the kind of person who tries to test limits. I did give him clear boundaries and I called him out whenever he gets close to crossing it. The good thing is he seems to listen and he does back off a bit so I gave him props for that.



As I mentioned, I started writing this list for Zohan then I kept on tweaking it based on what I feel is important to me for a relationship to keep going… growing… to honor my authentic self. I decided that I had to start trusting myself. I have made enough excuses for him… for me…  I said I won’t settle but it was obvious that as long as I keep seeing him I was settling for less than I deserved. I deserve to be treated better than that.  It’s time that I choose to honor myself and my intuition… to open my eyes, take off those blinders.

So I decided, whether or not I gave it to him, it would be a good list to keep. It might come in handy for the next one that comes along…

and hopefully, I’ll do better…

Moving on…



Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile



Types of A$$holes: How to Spot Them

The Universe lead me to this article (there are no accidents.) ~~~> “12 Types of A**holes: How to Spot Them Before It’s Too Late” by Halle Kaye.  Go check the article coz you’ll definitely learn something.

  1. The guy who ignores your texts or call.
    2. The guy who cheats.
    3. The guy with terrible conflict management skills.
    4. The guy who has no manners or sense of romance.
    5. The guy who’s hot and cold.
    6. The guy who’s lazy.
    7. The guy whose life is just a f*cking mess.
    8. The guy who cares more about his job than you.
    9. The guy who drinks way too much.
    10. The guy who’s not ready to commit.
    11. The guy who’s insecure.
    12. The guy who’s cheap.

Anyway, I was having one of those days, mending my broken heart… trying to get over Zohan. I still think he was just being a normal guy until I read this article, then I realized that he is actually an @$$hole and I was being naive. Ugh!



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Now, I’m trying to analyze Zohan. He’s usually the one who texts or calls. I have accused him of screwing someone else, but is that cheating if he’s not my boyfriend? I do not think he is romantic.  I think he’s both #5 & #6 based on the explanation in the article.  As far as #10 is concerned, I was clear from the get-go that I wasn’t ready for a relationship (heck, I wasn’t ready to date!) and I just wanted to hang out… so he knew and he was fine with that. And he’s definitely a #12. He’s probably the cheapest guy I’ve ever dated. I have to say that I was understanding of his situation because he has several young kids and he was making less than half of my income so money wasn’t an issue until I felt that he was being a douche. I’m pretty reasonable and generous but I won’t let people use me.





This Rule #2 is very important. I was scrolling through Instagram and a post struck me. It was a poem that went something like this… “Let your pain turn into nectar… Never allow someone’s sting to make you bitter.” I have been really sad and I felt like the Universe was speaking to me directly. It is very difficult to get over someone you see on a regular basis. it’s just plain $hitty.. which is why I should never have broken my rule. It is a very basic rule. “Do not $hit where you eat!!!


Fun Fact:

Do you know that “Culus” is the actual Latin word for asshole?


After reading the article, I realized that @$$holes are everywhere and women just refuse to see them for who they are because we enable them. Why? Maybe because we like them too much or we have such low self-esteem that we don’t think we deserve better. I see this a lot around me. I hear women complain about the guys they date and make excuses for them.




Don’t lose hope. There’s still a lot of great guys out there, we just have to learn to trust our instincts and be a better judge of character.  Just keep your eyes open for deal breakers and red flags and know when to bail out. Once you figure out that the guy you’re dating is definitely an @$$hole, find the nearest exit, run like your life depended on it, and don’t look back.



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Caveat: Most guys exhibit some (or all) of these traits to a certain degree, however,  if it gets to a point where it is consistent and after you have called him out he still keeps on engaging in some of these disrespectful behaviours then it’s time to say, “Hasta la vista, baby!”


Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile