I Love You… between the shadow and the soul…

This is something I have never experienced… I don’t think.

It must be a blessing.

I’ve heard stories of heartaches from this from my girlfriends and colleagues of all genders through the years and I can only ask…

How can you allow this to happen? This can only bring pain and suffering…

 

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This is like a secret crush.

Like a secret lover… he just doesn’t know it… yet… haha

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Oh, thank God I don’t think I have met the “right person”… the right “f#ck buddy” maybe (will I ever find out?)… hehe  but not Mr. Right. He is trouble and I know that I should stay away from him… but maybe trouble’s just what I need right now.  So, what to do??? Proceed with caution… well, I’ll say…

 

An unrequited love… because he doesn’t know you exist… not in those terms… but as someone who may be a potential lover… a potential mate.

Someone who may rock his world to kingdom cum.

In short… he has no idea what he’s missing.

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Will he ever know???

Will you ever do anything about it???

or will you just love him from a distance… hiding in the shadows…

only time will tell…

 

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

 

 

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Like I’m Gonna Lose You

I love this song. I have yet to find “The One”, Mr. Right, My King, my Soulmate…  with whom I feel I can genuinely feel this way about. It will be tough coz when I take a “leap” I go head first but not before analyzing and weighing things first.

I don’t normally go in blindly.

So how do I explain the failed relationships?

I got nothing.    😦

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

 

 

Suddenly everything made so much sense

 

Women are such intuitive beings. The problem is, we can be so blind when we feel emotionally involved with someone, whether it is love, infatuation or just lust . We tend to rationalize  things and be excellent fairy tale writers… don’t you think?

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There’s a point where the fine line between reality and fantasy becomes a significantly gray area and for some reason, when we get involved, we lose our common sense. Our intuitive powers get covered and blocked by a cloak of multi-colored flowers and rainbows and unicorns. We see a prince, a super hero and refuse to see the frog with a cape… if that’s the case.

 

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We tend to gradually slip into la la land and allow ourselves to stay there until we slowly feel that there is pain or some kind of discomfort coming our way. The butterflies in our stomach that we used to welcome and embrace excitedly suddenly turns into an uncomfortable fluttering that we wish would go away when we wake up from this slumber.

 

We start to feel the distortion of our reality. Starting from that small pinch in our hearts that gradually becomes sharper, stronger, lingering. Then we start to see the writings on the wall. It’s been there all along. How can we be so blind?

 

 

Choose Me

I believe deep in our minds and hearts that we know the truth but we just can’t admit that we made the wrong choice and we’re already in too deep. Oh my, I guess I’ve just been in enough failed relationships that I just don’t trust myself anymore.

 

I choose ME this time.

I think I’d rather guard my heart.

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

 

 

PS: I’m just having one of those days. Contemplating on the past. Thinking about why I can’t move forward. I guess I just have major trust issues now that’s a big hurdle in my life…  😦

 

 

What do you want?

 

When I wrote about the kissing in the rain blog post, I ended up watching this scene (“fight scene” video clip). I thought that their kissing in the rain scene was my most favorite… 

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… til I saw this then I realized  that this is the best part. How he knew her so well… maybe better than she knew herself. He reminded me of my Mr. Almost Right. I never really let any man in after him. I couldn’t take the risk of having my heart broken like that again. Yes, I know that I was the one who left him (twice… or was it thrice?) but that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt me. 

 

 

Anyway, I feel that I gravitated towards this scene. I can relate. It hit close to home… like, bulls eye close. I have always listened to my parents. Yes, I am that child. The little miss goody two shoes. I left my first true love (and maybe the only one I have really loved in every sense of the word) because my dad couldn’t accept him.

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Well, there were other things but that was the biggest deal breaker. Eloping did cross my mind but I was Daddy’s girl and I couldn’t break my dad’s heart like that. We were together for about 7 years and were planning to get married when my dad suddenly decided to ship me out of the country. But it didn’t end there. We got back together briefly coz he was still in love with me after so many years. Our paths crossed again years after that. I was a single mom then. But it’s a long story, I’ll share in another post.

Are you a “hopeless romantic” like me?

What are your fave romance movie scenes?

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

Alone

This is something we have to accept… embrace…

We can never rely on anyone as much as we rely on ourselves.

It is all an illusion.

The more we resist, the more we’re bound to suffer.

We cannot be lonely if we learn to enjoy our own company.

Nous sommes nés seuls, nous vivons seuls, nous mourons seuls ce n’est que par notre amour et l’amitié que nous pouvons créer l’illusion d’un instant que nous ne sommes pas seuls.

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Cherish the moments of solitude.

Enjoy yourself.

Read a book.

Observe the beauty of nature.

Get lost in the wonderful scent of fresh air… the sound of the birds chirping… the waves crashing against each other or the gustling wind.

Or just simply enjoy the silence.

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

 

 

The One that Got Away… My Mr. Almost Right (My MAR)

We were chatting for almost 4 hours yesterday. He’s in Germany, I’m in the US and the time difference didn’t seem to matter. Not anymore. He was in the comfort of his room on the ship and I was in my bed. It wasn’t like that when we were in an LDR ages ago. He had to remind me.  We were just reminiscing about the past then he said I was irritable then whenever he’d call me from wherever he was on the other side of the world… Russia, Africa, Australia, Sweden, Italy. It didn’t matter what time it was. We usually just had a few minutes. He says it just seemed like I was always too busy to chat. But it was different then. We didn’t have many options for communication during those times… unlike now. There’s FB messenger, facetime, Skype, WhatsApp, viber, etc. so many to choose from nowadays. But that’s water under the bridge. You see, he’s the reason I don’t wanna do anymore LDR’s… the reason why I was having reservations with my Frenchie in “Love is a Risk“.

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He says he didn’t know what happened to me on our second attempt. I used to be a Hopeless Romatic when we were in our 20’s. We were so in love. Where did that love go? I should’ve known better. He was stiil in love with me and wanted to get married and I warned him that I have changed. For starters, the spark wasn’t there  and I wasn’t attracted to him anymore (I didn’t say that though). But he insisted that we should give it a chance and he’d be a great dad to my daughters. I had no doubt about that. I was in my 30’s and I was just thinking about my daughters and making things right with him so I said yes. That was a big mistake. I thought we could rekindle the old flame, that I would be able to reciprocate his love. I hurt him instead.

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Anyway, on our second time back together … those times he had to leave the ship and brave the elements to find a phone just to get a hold of me. He was an officer but he wasn’t the highest ranking then so it wasn’t as easy. He traveled the world while I was here waiting for his calls and letters (and some packages sometimes). I was working a lot. This was during the time when we got back together. He was my college sweetheart. This was our second attempt at getting engaged and planning a life together. I’ve already been married, had kids, been divorced. I was a single mom then with 2-3 jobs and he’d call me at crazy hours just coz that was when he can manage to get off the ship and find a phone. You can just imagine why I was cranky. I was too exhausted having to work fulltime and take care of my little kids on my own. I was so burned out. I’m not making any excuses but getting a call in the middle of the night and feeling rushed isn’t exactly romantic and this happened many times.

This brought back sad memories. Opened old wounds. He heard me sniffling. He asked if I was crying. I said ‘No’ but he knew. He apologized. He didn’t mean to go back and make it raw again. We just wanted to talk about the good times. I apologized, too. I didn’t realize how mean and unreasonable I was back then. I was just so tired and I was so frustrated. I wanted him so bad to be here. The problem was he didn’t want to come here without enough savings to be able to support me and my girls. He didn’t want me to be the one to work and pay for everything while he just stayed at home.  He says he went to school to work on board the ship and that’s the only job he knew then and he would’ve been able to support us but I didn’t want an absent husband. He just wanted to wait a little longer to save up enough money to put up a business. We couldn’t agree on that and the waiting just killed it. I guess it just died a natural death. I knew it wasn’t going anywhere and I hurt him again. I had to break it to him. We were not gettting any younger.

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I normally just share one song whenever I post but I bumped into this one as I was wrapping this up and I thought that if this song became a hit during our time then it would have been one of our songs just because of what he went through with not only my dad but my dad’s side of the family as well. I did mention that we didn’t belong to the same social class. What I failed to mention is that we were not quite from the same race/culture either and that was an issue on my dad’s side of the family as well. My MAR told me that whatever he went through helped him strive to succeed and right now I can say that I am so very proud of him. He is very successful in his career and in his business dealings. He says he owes it to me since I really believed in him and because he learned a lot about how to manage money from me. Oh, that is so sweet.  🙂

My dad’s response in relation to us getting married was that we’re water and oil and there’s a saying that water and oil can never mix. We could have eloped but my MAR knew how close I was to my dad and I wouldn’t do anything to break his heart so we waited for Papa to have a change of heart. My MAR never made me choose between him and my dad . 

What surprised me the most during our conversation was that I found out certain things that I never knew. The first time we broke up before I got married to Mr. So Wrong, I was here in the US and I thought he was cheating on me because of some rumors I heard. He explained what happened and I believe him.  It wasn’t like what I heard but I was too hurt and there was no way for me to find out then. He also told me that there was a time that he went to Texas and he tried to contact my grandmother who lived there so he can find me but she didn’t tell him where I was. I never found out about this until now. My grandma died a couple of years after that. I guess  she took that to her grave.

We’re at a place now where we’re ok. We can talk about things. We accept that things happened for a reason because if we were meant to be together then we would’ve been with each other right now no matter what. We have stayed friends and we talk from time to time. We talked about the things we endured and we sacrificed to keep our relationship going when we were younger. He says he acknowledged all the pain I had to go through just to be with him. Against all the odds.

I feel fortunate to have been blessed to experience this kind of love.  To love and be loved deeply and be respected equally in return. I had no doubt that he would’ve taken a bullet for me and I would have done the same for him.  I have never loved this way again after that and if I never will, I’d still feel grateful because not everyone can say that they have experienced this kind of love in their lifetime.

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

Hopeless Romantic

When I was a young adult, I can say that I was blessed enough to meet the love of my life. He was my Mr. Right until it didn’t happen… then he bacame Mr. Wrong. Well,  the truth is I don’t think he’s ever been Mr. Wrong at all. I’ll call him “Mr. Almost Right” (or my MAR). I don’t want to call him “Mr. Right Now” coz he never was a temporary fix for all intents and purposes. I honestly believed that we were 100% certain that we were soulmates then. We felt that we couldn’t live without the other. But then there’s a twist, it’s like a Romeo & Juliet  love story for us. Yes, so much drama! (If you’re interested click on the link.) He is also the reason I’m having reservations about getting into an LDR with my Frenchie which I shared in  “Love is a Risk“.

 

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I’m going to cut to the chase… We belong in different social classes, my father didn’t approve (and it didn’t help that I was Ms. Goody Two Shoes ), dad shipped me out of the country (hence our LDR began) and we wanted his approval even when we were already planning to get married after about 7 years of being together. The original plan was to please my Dad, get back together, get married in that order. BTW, those years were not all a bed of roses. He cheated on me once.  Broke my heart into a million little pieces but he confessed (I had no clue and wouldn’t have known.)  and I decided to forgive him.

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Whilst I was thousands of miles away, I met a man who was to be the man I’d  marry who eventually became the sperm donor (SD) of my children. I’ll call him “Mr. So Wrong!” I’m sorry, did I sound bitter? I am just speaking the truth. He was no father to my children. I raised them on my own. Didn’t offer to pay child support and knowing from his first family he was bad news anyway. But I didn’t know he was in a previous marriage and had kids until it was too late. Yes, how was I so blind???  So naive!!! I didn’t see the signs right away. Oooops, someone is getting sidetracked.

OK, I skipped the part where I heard from my family that “my MAR” may be cheating on me (again?!). This drove me nuts! There was no way I could go there or he can come see me and during that time we can only communicate by snail mail and very seldom get a chance to communicate by phone because his family didn’t own one.  I just decided to not talk to him again.

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I found this and thought I’d add it here just coz I’m a Scorpio. Only my boyfriend(s)  would know if I have a dirty mind. Well, if you stay long enough, you might find out for yourselves. LOL  😉

 

Anyway, I met another “hopeless romantic” like me. I should have known better to run the opposite way at the first sign… haha   Now I do. He was too good to be true. So that was my ex… my kid’s SD… We started off as friends and he knew about “my MAR” and how we were so in love with each other, and that we were soulmates… yada yada yada (except the infidelity part). He was there for me when I was so devastated by the news about my “Mr. Almost Right“. Then one thing lead to another. Isn’t that how the story usually goes?

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As I mentioned, “Mr. So Wrong!” was too good to be true. The sweetest thing. It’s like he came out of the silver screen. He was so in love with me. I still have his cards/letters from when he was still courting me to the time that we were together. I kept it for my kids. They’ve never really known him so I figured I needed to have something to show them as to how or why I fell for this jerk.  Again, I apologize. I have to thank him for my kids.

A hopeless romantic is an expression describing a person who has romantic notions about life. For a hopeless romantic: life = love. Especially when that person is involved in a relationship – He/she thinks about love and romantic relationships in a different way than other people.

This person is in love with love.They believe in fairy tales and love. All hopeless romantics are idealists,the sentimental dreamers,the imaginative and the fanciful when you get to know them.They often live with rose colored glasses on.They make lovelook like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their special someone. They’re not to be confused as stalkers or creepy because that’s not what a hopeless romantic is.  (SOURCE: Urban Dictionary)

 

Mr. Almost Right and I have kept in touch through the years. In fact, we got back together a few years after I got divorced from “Mr. So Wrong!” and I almost married him (my Mr. Almost Right) again the second time (we were engaged twice). He finally managed to clear his name and told me that he learned from his mistake the first time and never cheated on me again but I didn’t give him a chance to explain.   I wanted to make it right. He was my first real love after all. He was still in love with me but I wanted to feel the same way about him as I did when we were young and in love. It wasn’t there anymore. I did love him but it was different. He convinced me that it will come back, we’ve been apart for many years and I’m a woman after all. Well, it didn’t… and I broke his heart again. I was torn…he was devastated!

 

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We’re still in touch. We talk about the past, the present, the future. We have remained friends and maybe til we grow old and gray it might be that way. We do keep it on the down low coz his significant other, his baby Mama, appears to be jealous of me coz she thinks he hasn’t gotten over me. I told her we’re just friends. He was my bestfriend then and I feel we can still talk about things. I know I won’t cross the line and I know he won’t mess it up for his kids.

If you have no idea if you are a hopeless romantic like moi, check this out to find out… “24 Signs You’re A Hopeless Romantic

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile