Kissing in Paris

Ooooh la la! That kiss… it haunts me.

It has been over a month… exactly 40 days since our lips locked. Now I can say that I’ve actually been French kissed… literally… haha

It makes me wonder if all Frenchmen kiss that passionately… I know it sounds like a stupid stereotype but isn’t it one of their trademarks? haha

 

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It was really good but I’m starting to forget how great it was.

It was one of the best kisses I’ve ever had.

I didn’t get enough. It was dumb of me to have an accidental bf just before I flew to Paris. Shame on me for kissing him. But more shame on me for feeling so guilty when in fact it wasn’t a real relationship and I ended up feeling guilty anyway.

And now, I regret not being able to enjoy the romantic moment with him that I’ve been fantasizing about for 2 years… coz of a stupid, impulsive decision on my part to say “yes” to a guy who has no idea what being “exclusive” means.

 

And now I feel I’ve lost that chance.

 

 

 

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

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Puppet Master

 

When I just started dating Z (my Spring fling), there was something about him that scared me. I wasn’t sure if it was him or me but  I guess it was just the dynamics.

There was a way he initially talked to me that made me feel like I couldn’t say no to him. I didn’t understand why but it was like a hardship on my part to turn him down. Looking back. I don’t know how we didn’t end up not having sex. I thank God for that. We had instances where we got really close but I was firm and said I wasn’t ready and he listened.

 

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I feel broken hearted. I know I was the one who broke it off… who asked him to leave me alone many times. But now that he actually listened and stopped calling me, I realized that I miss(?) him and I actually like him more than I thought I did… more than I should have.

I know he’s not good for me… there are so many deal breakers.  I have decided from the beginning that this is something that is not going to last. But I should have know better. I couldn’t handle my emotions. Why did I even bother?

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

Un peu, beaucoup, aveuglément!

After the disastrous experience I had with Zohan, I felt like it left a bad taste in my mouth. It’ll take time before I start dating again. I feel like I lost confidence in myself as far as trusting people… men in particular.

How can I be so blind and gullible?! STOP!!! I’m back in this cycle of being harsh to myself. That is not my affirmation.  It’s not my fault that there are people who are good at being so fake and manipulative… who just want to take advantage of others.  Moving forward, I just have to be smarter and trust my gut.

Around the time we were seeing each other the Universe sent me messages…. plenty actually. But  I chose not to listen. I was so drawn to him for some reason.  (I wrote about it in Puppet Master.) Then the Universe started throwing bricks… still  I was back and forth. Then the Universe intervened one day. Abruptly,  if I may say. Call it Divine intervention. What a relief it was for me. You have no idea. I was totally saved by the bell. Things could’ve made a turn for the worse for me.

 

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Today I turn a new leaf. The Universe sent me a new message thru Abraham Hicks “Let your soul mate in: Being true to yourself“.  The message… Nothing is happening to you, it is all invited by you. You invited them through your ATTENTION to them. Now you are aware that you are the “Inviter‘ of these things that happen to you. Next move is for you to go on a rampage of SELECTIVE SIFTING that would say “I’m going to find my 10 favorite things about this person/thing/situation that I find myself focused on”. For example, if you ponder on a lover/ relationship, find 10 fave things about that person then you’ll  just focus on things that are positive. This will set the TONE so that only things like your favorite things will come into your vibrational range.

 

 

Un peu, beaucoup, aveuglément! (BLIND DATE)

 

Blind Date (French title: Un peu, beaucoup, aveuglément) is a 2015 French romantic comedy film directed by and starring Clovis Cornillac. The film also stars Mélanie Bernier, Lilou Fogli and Philippe Duquesne. It won the audience award at the 19th annual COLCOA French Film Festival in Los Angeles and the Best First Film award at the 2015 Cabourg Film Festival.   SOURCE: Wiki

 

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Today, I watched this movie. No, I still haven’t changed my mind about dating anytime soon… though I would be open to a blind date when the time comes. However, I thought, these two people were too scared to go find love but they found each other though separated by a wall. It was pretty odd but it was perfect in their own way. Don’t they say the movies is a reflection of real life?

Now that I am in a state of increased awareness, I’ll use that to my advantage.  I’ll be more conscious of the thoughts that occupy my mind and make a more conscious decision to focus on the 10 favorite things about people or situations so I can always set the tone and keep it that way.

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

 

 

Ground Rules (for Dating)

 

It is important in every relationship that ground rules are established from the very beginning and those clear boundaries are set. This would be a great guide for a person to decide whether to stay and move forward or move on.

 

 

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I don’t remember how many times I have asked Zohan to leave me alone in the short time we have been dating.  I guess he wasn’t taking me that seriously coz he knew how much I liked him and my heart was really torn. I hate that I was so easily swayed by this extremely charming man. Ugh!!! Again and again, he asks me to stop and give him a chance. I told him if I do decide to do this we’ll have to establish some ground rules. He says, “Bring it on. Give me a list.

I thought about it and ended up with 10 ground rules. These are the basic ingredients in a relationship but I tweaked it a little bit to honor my needs. These are some of the things I listed though I did break it down for him.

 

1. Trust & Honesty …  transparency and developing a friendship. Giving each other “Space & Privacy”.
2. Integrity … honoring your word. More action less talk.
3. Communication …  keeping an open line of communication, listen attentively and be able to talk to each other respectfully.
4. Compromise… making it “win-win”.
5. Respect… Accept. Don’t judge. Let be. Let grow.
6. Safety & Security… I need to feel safe not just physically but emotionally and  mentally… and I do not want to jeopardize my relationships, my education, my job, or sanity.
7. Dating … making sure we find room for QT  somewhere in our very busy schedules.
8. No Pressure… Just plain unadulterated FUN… respect individual priorities. And fun actually means F-U-N… not s-e-x.
9. Taboo topics… money, religion, politics. SEX with me. (til I’m ready)
10. Ground Zero… be more discrete. Less contact.

I was back and forth about giving him the list. I was waiting for us to have alone time where I can get his undivided attention. At the same time, I think I didn’t do it because deep inside I felt like I didn’t even want to give him the list anymore. I felt it wasn’t worth it anymore coz the butterflies in my tummy were becoming more and more unpleasant.

I’ve been thinking… Do I really want to give him these many chances? What’s the point of this since I make attempts at moving on almost every week? That must tell you something. Right? Listen to your gut, b#tch! Tough love! What’s wrong with you?!!!

But every time we talked he does compromise though… then I go back to square one. 😦  I noticed that he seemed to be the kind of person who tries to test limits. I did give him clear boundaries and I called him out whenever he gets close to crossing it. The good thing is he seems to listen and he does back off a bit so I gave him props for that.

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As I mentioned, I started writing this list for Zohan then I kept on tweaking it based on what I feel is important to me for a relationship to keep going… growing… to honor my authentic self. I decided that I had to start trusting myself. I have made enough excuses for him… for me…  I said I won’t settle but it was obvious that as long as I keep seeing him I was settling for less than I deserved. I deserve to be treated better than that.  It’s time that I choose to honor myself and my intuition… to open my eyes, take off those blinders.

So I decided, whether or not I gave it to him, it would be a good list to keep. It might come in handy for the next one that comes along…

and hopefully, I’ll do better…

Moving on…

 

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

 

 

My Almost Lover… Adieu…

 

I started this “thingamajig” with Zohan knowing that it wasn’t going to last. I didn’t have any unrealistic expectations. I accepted that I was going to play second fiddle to his kids and I thought I’ll see how long I could take it. I wasn’t being pessimistic, I was just being realistic and rational.

I knew it was going to hurt but I took the leap of faith and just rolled with it. It was fun while it lasted. I was happy for a short while.

 

Adieu (Ah d’yew)  Use this rather somber goodbye word only when you know you will never see the person again. Literally, it means “until God,” which gives you a strong clue as to the sense of finality it imparts.

But then, it wasn’t my issue. I was having this feeling in my gut that was getting heavier and heavier. He didn’t like it whenever I tell him to stop acting shady. It started as a joke. But he does act like it. I had a strong feeling that he was lying about something and he was using his kids as an alibi. And the whole time I just really loved how he was such a devoted dad. How gullible was I?!?!?!

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One day,  Suddenly everything made so much sense, I realized that I had my blinders on the whole time coz I liked him so much. It happens, y’know. I do not need proof. I know he’s not my boyfriend. I did say I’m not ready for a relationship. I have no right to ask but I want peace of mind and I’m losing it. I’m starting to have a bad taste in my mouth so what’s the point of this? I know we didn’t have an agreement that we were going to be exclusive and technically, we haven’t had sex so if he’s having it somewhere else and he’s not my boyfriend then what does that make us? Am I being unreasonable?

 

Today I decided that I’m going to stop this craziness… I don’t know how. It’ll be tough coz I ump into him from time to time and it gets awkward whenever it happens…  I already have a script in my head in case he confronts me.

I have been asking you to leave me alone and you won’t. This is the last time I will ask you but it doesn’t really matter coz it’s up to me. I get to decide. I’m done. I do not know the woman in that car the other night… that wasn’t me. I don’t act that way and I don’t allow people to treat me like shit. And I definitely do not know that man I was with. He wasn’t the one I fell for coz I would never fall for anyone who would disrespect me like that. We both agreed about one thing, we just want the fun, no drama. So, I’m moving on and I’m not looking back. 

We had a fight the other night but we made up. However, I decided yesterday that I really want out. I don’t want this negative energy looming over my head. He texted and called me several times over the course of the day… and as much as I was hurting,  it brought a smile to my face knowing that he was thinking about me. Stupid, stupid heart!!!

 

I do not need this BS in my life. I do not need to be with a man who cannot make me feel secure. I never had to worry about this shit with my ex-husband. And here I am with the first guy I dated right off? Just my luck! Ugh! Doesn’t that tell you something?

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

 

 

Suddenly everything made so much sense

Women are such intuitive beings. The problem is, we can be so blind when we feel emotionally involved with someone, whether it is love, infatuation or just lust. We tend to rationalize things and be excellent fairy tale writers… don’t you think?

 

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There’s a point where the fine line between reality and fantasy becomes a significantly gray area and for some reason, when we get involved, we lose our common sense. Our intuitive powers get covered and blocked by a cloak of multi-colored flowers and rainbows and unicorns. We see a prince, a superhero and refuse to see the frog with a cape… if that’s the case.
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We tend to gradually slip into la la land and allow ourselves to stay there until we slowly feel that there is pain or some kind of discomfort coming our way. The butterflies in our stomach that we used to welcome and embrace excitedly suddenly turns into an uncomfortable fluttering that we wish would go away when we wake up from this slumber.

 

We start to feel the distortion of our reality. Starting from that small pinch in our hearts that gradually becomes sharper, stronger, lingering. Then we start to see the writings on the wall. It’s been there all along. How can we be so blind?

Choose Me

 

I believe deep in our minds and hearts that we know the truth but we just can’t admit that we made the wrong choice and we’re already in too deep. Oh my, I guess I’ve just been in enough failed relationships that I just don’t trust myself anymore.

 

I choose ME this time.

I think I’d rather guard my heart.

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile