Types of A$$holes: How to Spot Them

The Universe lead me to this article (there are no accidents.) ~~~> “12 Types of A**holes: How to Spot Them Before It’s Too Late” by Halle Kaye.  Go check the article coz you’ll definitely learn something.

  1. The guy who ignores your texts or call.
    2. The guy who cheats.
    3. The guy with terrible conflict management skills.
    4. The guy who has no manners or sense of romance.
    5. The guy who’s hot and cold.
    6. The guy who’s lazy.
    7. The guy whose life is just a f*cking mess.
    8. The guy who cares more about his job than you.
    9. The guy who drinks way too much.
    10. The guy who’s not ready to commit.
    11. The guy who’s insecure.
    12. The guy who’s cheap.

Anyway, I was having one of those days, mending my broken heart… trying to get over Zohan. I still think he was just being a normal guy until I read this article, then I realized that he is actually an @$$hole and I was being naive. Ugh!

 

 

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Now, I’m trying to analyze Zohan. He’s usually the one who texts or calls. I have accused him of screwing someone else, but is that cheating if he’s not my boyfriend? I do not think he is romantic.  I think he’s both #5 & #6 based on the explanation in the article.  As far as #10 is concerned, I was clear from the get-go that I wasn’t ready for a relationship (heck, I wasn’t ready to date!) and I just wanted to hang out… so he knew and he was fine with that. And he’s definitely a #12. He’s probably the cheapest guy I’ve ever dated. I have to say that I was understanding of his situation because he has several young kids and he was making less than half of my income so money wasn’t an issue until I felt that he was being a douche. I’m pretty reasonable and generous but I won’t let people use me.

 

 

 

 

This Rule #2 is very important. I was scrolling through Instagram and a post struck me. It was a poem that went something like this… “Let your pain turn into nectar… Never allow someone’s sting to make you bitter.” I have been really sad and I felt like the Universe was speaking to me directly. It is very difficult to get over someone you see on a regular basis. it’s just plain $hitty.. which is why I should never have broken my rule. It is a very basic rule. “Do not $hit where you eat!!!

 

Fun Fact:

Do you know that “Culus” is the actual Latin word for asshole?

 

After reading the article, I realized that @$$holes are everywhere and women just refuse to see them for who they are because we enable them. Why? Maybe because we like them too much or we have such low self-esteem that we don’t think we deserve better. I see this a lot around me. I hear women complain about the guys they date and make excuses for them.

 

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Don’t lose hope. There’s still a lot of great guys out there, we just have to learn to trust our instincts and be a better judge of character.  Just keep your eyes open for deal breakers and red flags and know when to bail out. Once you figure out that the guy you’re dating is definitely an @$$hole, find the nearest exit, run like your life depended on it, and don’t look back.

 

 

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Caveat: Most guys exhibit some (or all) of these traits to a certain degree, however,  if it gets to a point where it is consistent and after you have called him out he still keeps on engaging in some of these disrespectful behaviours then it’s time to say, “Hasta la vista, baby!”

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

 

 

My Almost Lover… Adieu…

 

I started this “thingamajig” with Zohan knowing that it wasn’t going to last. I didn’t have any unrealistic expectations. I accepted that I was going to play second fiddle to his kids and I thought I’ll see how long I could take it. I wasn’t being pessimistic, I was just being realistic and rational.

I knew it was going to hurt but I took the leap of faith and just rolled with it. It was fun while it lasted. I was happy for a short while.

 

Adieu (Ah d’yew)  Use this rather somber goodbye word only when you know you will never see the person again. Literally, it means “until God,” which gives you a strong clue as to the sense of finality it imparts.

But then, it wasn’t my issue. I was having this feeling in my gut that was getting heavier and heavier. He didn’t like it whenever I tell him to stop acting shady. It started as a joke. But he does act like it. I had a strong feeling that he was lying about something and he was using his kids as an alibi. And the whole time I just really loved how he was such a devoted dad. How gullible was I?!?!?!

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One day,  Suddenly everything made so much sense, I realized that I had my blinders on the whole time coz I liked him so much. It happens, y’know. I do not need proof. I know he’s not my boyfriend. I did say I’m not ready for a relationship. I have no right to ask but I want peace of mind and I’m losing it. I’m starting to have a bad taste in my mouth so what’s the point of this? I know we didn’t have an agreement that we were going to be exclusive and technically, we haven’t had sex so if he’s having it somewhere else and he’s not my boyfriend then what does that make us? Am I being unreasonable?

 

Today I decided that I’m going to stop this craziness… I don’t know how. It’ll be tough coz I ump into him from time to time and it gets awkward whenever it happens…  I already have a script in my head in case he confronts me.

I have been asking you to leave me alone and you won’t. This is the last time I will ask you but it doesn’t really matter coz it’s up to me. I get to decide. I’m done. I do not know the woman in that car the other night… that wasn’t me. I don’t act that way and I don’t allow people to treat me like shit. And I definitely do not know that man I was with. He wasn’t the one I fell for coz I would never fall for anyone who would disrespect me like that. We both agreed about one thing, we just want the fun, no drama. So, I’m moving on and I’m not looking back. 

We had a fight the other night but we made up. However, I decided yesterday that I really want out. I don’t want this negative energy looming over my head. He texted and called me several times over the course of the day… and as much as I was hurting,  it brought a smile to my face knowing that he was thinking about me. Stupid, stupid heart!!!

 

I do not need this BS in my life. I do not need to be with a man who cannot make me feel secure. I never had to worry about this shit with my ex-husband. And here I am with the first guy I dated right off? Just my luck! Ugh! Doesn’t that tell you something?

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

 

 

Suddenly everything made so much sense

Women are such intuitive beings. The problem is, we can be so blind when we feel emotionally involved with someone, whether it is love, infatuation or just lust. We tend to rationalize things and be excellent fairy tale writers… don’t you think?

 

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There’s a point where the fine line between reality and fantasy becomes a significantly gray area and for some reason, when we get involved, we lose our common sense. Our intuitive powers get covered and blocked by a cloak of multi-colored flowers and rainbows and unicorns. We see a prince, a superhero and refuse to see the frog with a cape… if that’s the case.
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We tend to gradually slip into la la land and allow ourselves to stay there until we slowly feel that there is pain or some kind of discomfort coming our way. The butterflies in our stomach that we used to welcome and embrace excitedly suddenly turns into an uncomfortable fluttering that we wish would go away when we wake up from this slumber.

 

We start to feel the distortion of our reality. Starting from that small pinch in our hearts that gradually becomes sharper, stronger, lingering. Then we start to see the writings on the wall. It’s been there all along. How can we be so blind?

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I believe deep in our minds and hearts that we know the truth but we just can’t admit that we made the wrong choice and we’re already in too deep. Oh my, I guess I’ve just been in enough failed relationships that I just don’t trust myself anymore.

 

I choose ME this time.

I think I’d rather guard my heart.

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

 

 

 

Wrapping it up with Good Vibes

I invited Zohan to lunch. He has no idea that my intention is for this to be this to be our last date. No expectations. Just pure unadulterated fun. I’ll pick up the tab. I’ll drive. I’ll wrap it up with whatever good taste that’s left in my mouth.

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I have been getting messages from the Universe that started as a whisper but seems to be getting louder and louder. Now, I really couldn’t ignore it. I can feel it in my gut like a pull getting stronger and stronger and I sometimes feel physically sick.

 

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I told him that I had something to say and I wish he’d let me finish before he said anything. He nodded.

I said sorry for being mean and for acting disrespectful towards him and I thanked him for still being nice and never disrespecting me in spite of it coz he could have. I actually liked him more now because of that. I explained to him that I didn’t know how to handle how I felt and I was too scared to fall for him… and because I asked him many times to back off and he wasn’t listening, I thought being mean would be the answer but it still didn’t work so I gave up. I also said that I felt that he was too intense and I couldn’t think straight. It was affecting my work and it definitely had affected my school. I just needed space but he wasn’t giving that to me. I told him that I noticed and appreciate that he backed off this past couple of weeks and it helped me concentrate on school and work.

He just listened the whole time. I remember that this is one of the things I liked about him in the beginning. He was a great listener and he has a way of making you feel safe and secure.

Then he says, “I want to thank you for saying all that. It’s really big of you to apologize and admit you’re wrong sometimes. I like that.

 

And this is where I move on… I think…

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

 

 

 

 

Did I just get Love Bombed? No $hit!!!

I was just in and out of deep thought today… playing back the good times in my head… so short lived… how great it was with Zohan initially, then Boom!!!

I can say that I’m glad I was being sensitive to the signs. I remember watching Oprah years ago and there was a show where she says the universe would throw bricks at us and we’d still not listen. Well, for me it started with maybe some grains of rice, then some small pebbles which I felt I could still ignore but it somehow bothered me already. Then they started getting bigger like small rocks… I didn’t want it to get to be as big as a brick. that’s about as much as I can take at this point. I’m outtie!!!

I initially thought it’s just me the “perfectionist” and I’m trying to be more normal now with realistic expectations.

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Anyways,  I felt that it was going south so fast… for my standards at least. I’m sorry but even at my age I just know I’m not willing to settle for certain things. And one of those is flakiness. I told him from the start that I’m big on integrity and I needed him to respect my time. He knew I was very busy with school and there’s so much on my plate and I respect him for being a devoted Dad but something seemed off. Now, I’m going on a tangent.

All of a sudden a thought crossed my mind. How can something that feels so good turn bad so fast? Then the word “Love Bombing” popped up in my head. I’ve never heard of that word until last year and I blogged about it V-day of 2016. I was saying that I’ve never been a victim of it. Please check it out.

Love Bombing , what an interesting concept. Apparently, it is a  “seductive tactic that is used when someone who is manipulative tries to control the relationship with bombs brimming with “love” right from day one”.  I didn’t even know this was a thing until I found this article on elephant journal.  ” It often takes place within whirlwind romances and is usually directed by sociopaths or narcissists. ”

Source: Love Bombing @ myldrwithafrenchman

 

When Zohan and I started, he seemed pushy and just wanted to see me a lot but the concept or principles of love bombing weren’t so consistent in this case though. He never misleads me with where this was going. I’m sure he could’ve made me believe that he has fallen madly in love with me so quickly just to get in panties but he didn’t do that either. He had windows of opportunity to get in my panties (literally) as I was very vulnerable but I get to stop him… I’m sure he knew he could’ve pushed a little harder and I would’ve given in… I think.

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Love bombing is initially carried out through excessive phone calls, text messages, emails, the constant desire to be in close contact whether virtual or physical and the desire to be connected almost every moment of every day.

Those who fall victim to love bombing may be at a vulnerable stage in their life and the love bomber swoops in and naturally seems to fill all the voids. They play close attention to painful emotional wounds, weaknesses and insecurities and will tell their target everything they want to hear and they often express dramatic displays of affection. However, anyone can be taken advantage of and can become a victim, so it is always best to be on guard.

Love bombers are masters at flattery; they will constantly be telling their target how much they adore them, how beautiful they are, how funny, talented, special, precious and any other sweet nothing they can think of. Love bombers will make their partner feel as though they are the only person in the world for them…

 Source: Elephant Journal

 

I agree I’m pretty vulnerable. And I’m sure he knows that. But I was clear from the beginning.  He knew I haven’t been touched by a man in a long time but I was willing to wait… that I wanted to wait for the right person, the right time and the right place.  I asked him to wait til I’m ready. He said we both know I’m ready but he’ll respect that and that he’ll wait. I don’t know if he’s just strategizing but honestly, I feel that if that’s the only thing he wanted to get from me, he could’ve taken it already but he chose not to. Now, the question is, what else does he want from me?

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       The victim will likely be feeling as though they have met their ideal partner and will be genuinely mirroring back all the words and actions as they believe they are falling in love and that they are so fortunate to have met someone so attentive.

     Throughout every stage the energy-malnourished manipulator is looking for someone to top up their depleted supply. When it moves from devaluation and on to the discard stage, right when the one being manipulated feels they are strong enough to break away, the cycle goes back to the start to the idealization phase and the vicious cycle continues.  This is because the abuser will not be able to bear it if someone dares to walk away from them before they have declared the game over as their ego will be irrevocably dented.

     Narcissists and sociopaths thrive on drama and they don’t care what form it takes. This scenario is repeated and repeated until one or the other can bear no more.

     Idealization, devaluation, discard. In any new, or even current, relationship these are powerful words to be remembered and looked out for. The only way to ensure the end of the game is to break the contact and stick to it.

SourceElephant Journal

 

I was getting more and more doubtful of his intentions. He was getting flaky initially which really bothered me but I understand that he has lots on his plate, too. However, I have the same and still keep my appointments with him on time. This really bothered me and for me it equates to disrespect. It also shows good character (or lack of it). However, after we talked, he did get better at it and showed that he was trying.

So how do you know if the guy who has you daydreaming at work, and feeling like a teenager again, is a “Love Bomber”?

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If you’ve been love bombed, just remember, you’re not weak… you’re not stupid… you’re human. It is our  humanity  that these narcissists take advantage of. This is the reason why everyone of us may be  victimized by these sociopaths.

 

       “The sociopath’s ruse is deception upon deception… Since people are objects they are disposable to the sociopath. It’s hard to say, but not all allow their prey to live to tell the tale.” Dr. Deborah Ettel, PhD, Psychology

 

Here are three helpful articles that I think you should check out if you have the slightest hint that you’re being love bombed.

  1. 20 Characteristics of a Con Man Sociopath
  2. 5 Ways to Disarm a Love Bombing Sociopath
  3. Sociopath and the Confusion of Kindness

       Love bombing works because humans have a natural need to feel good about who we are, and often we can’t fill this need on our own. Sometimes the reason is situational, brought on by an event, like divorce or job loss. … Whatever the source, love bombers are experts at detecting low self-esteem, and exploiting it. 

       The paradox of love bombing is that people who use it aren’t always seeking targets that broadcast insecurity for all to see. On the contrary, the love bomber is also insecure, so to boost their ego, the target must at least seem like a great “catch.” Maybe she’s the beautiful woman, who’s lonely because her beauty intimidates people, etc…        SOURCE: Love Bombing: Are You a Victim?

To wrap this long post up, Nope! I don’t think Zohan loved bombed the Queen (that’s moi) or made any attempts at all. I was just being melodramatic according to my wingman, Goose. He says, “Why do girls do this shit?! You went in head first. Nobody forced you into that. You got what you wanted. All is fair in love and war.” Spoken like a real douche… reads “man”.  I think he was just a flaky player who’s not that good at playing the game. Or maybe I’m a little bit better at playing it… and I thought I got rusty… lol

Anyways, I saw right through him. Maybe he was just being a guy who wanted a warm body. I believe that he was genuinely interested in me. I don’t think that he mislead me in any way. Just like any guy with raging hormones who’s been fantasizing about getting into this chick’s (moi) panties for a while. I think he did what he thought he had to do. At least I haven’t given up the “flag” yet. I do think he may be a Narcissist but don’t most men think they’re God’s gift to women? I’ll have to leave that thought for another post… lol

 

Zohan could’ve done major damage but he didn’t. I still think he’s a good man… there is some inherent good in people, yes? Or maybe I’m just naive and want to see the good side.

It’s just a case of wrong place, wrong time… and for me, the wrong match.

Now, back to my Frenchie… 🙂

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile