I’ve already watched this movie in the past but whilst I was channel surfing the other night I felt like watching it again. Could it have something to do with Olivier Martinez being hot and French? Maybe? Or it could be because I was contemplating about the dilemma of either being in a committed relationship or just staying single forever. Yeah, that’s it!
I was debating about the “what if’s” in case I end up in another relationship and in case I meet another person that I might think is “The One” when I thought I have already found “The One” in the first place. What if I made a mistake? What do I do? I know it seems stupid. But what do you do if that’s the case?
Cheating is not an option. I was with my ex for more than 15 years and I have never cheated on him even though I was feeling hurt, unhappy, miserable, neglected, lonely… you name it. In the last 5 years of my marriage, we started getting estranged and moved towards a platonic relationship. I stayed in my bedroom and he was in the guestroom… our rooms at opposite ends of the house.
We have talked about divorce many times during our petty squabbles. Well, he did. I knew he never meant it but I don’t want to be threatened… then we just stopped talking. When I finally brought it up, it seemed like he was in shock. I know none of us wanted this divorce. We still loved each other but love wasn’t enough in this case. I decided that I was done with the status quo. How can you live with a partner who thinks that there’s no problem when there’s this huge elephant in the middle of the room all these years? Is he blind??? The first step in finding a resolution is to acknowledge that there is a problem then move forward towards fixing it… but as they say, it takes Two to Tango and I would’ve taken a partner with two left feet who at least showed that they’d do everything to make this dance work.
During our last year together, I asked him if we can try one last time and I was going to give it my best shot if he was willing… we tried, and tried… it was short lived. How many times have we done this in the past? I can’t even count… He thought I had unrealistic expectations. I was just tired of broken promises. I started to feel emotionally unfaithful, detached, and untrustworthy though there was nobody in particular, I just knew I could not go on living like this. I knew I wasn’t going to act on it but I wasn’t happy that now, my mind has finally started wandering… wondering…
Life is short.
Right now, I feel like my head is filled with doubts and insecurities about my Frenchie. I feel like while I’m still ahead… while I feel like nobody is going to get hurt. I might as well do some damage control and stop it here. Yes, I know I said this so many times. I feel like the boy who cried wolf. He probably won’t believe me anymore. He might think I’m just playing mind games but I really am not. If he only knows how much I like him but how terrified I am to do anything about it coz of how much I’ve been hurt in the past. I don’t want to feel paranoid and it’s hard not to feel that way in an LDR. There’s a constant need for reassurance and a big deal of trust plays a major part for this kind of relationship to last.
I just want to concentrate on what matters most right now. It’s my children, my responsibilities, my bucket lists, my school… there’s so much on my plate and I keep on saying that I cannot afford distractions and the last year or so I have been so transparent on how I let these distractions run my life.
I have to focus…
What to do??? S.O.S