I haven’t been as active here lately as I used to. I just wasn’t up to it. There’s just so much going on in my life that I feel a little overwhelmed. Okay, much overwhelmed it is… On top of that, I’m exerting extra effort to ignore my Frenchie. It’s not that easy, knowing how much I like him. He says he can’t contain his excitement about my upcoming trip to Paris in the fall and dot dot dot yada yada yada. I’ll spare you the details. It’s all just mush anyways. lol
Meanwhile, while I was trying to divert my attention from him. There’s this guy at work that I feel has been trying to get my attention since we met sometime last year but I was just ignoring it coz the other guy which I wrote about (My New OomA) was in the picture. I was gravitating more towards my Mr. Latino that I didn’t notice the advances made by this guy from the get-go until recently. He actually caught my eye a bit when we were introduced… how can I not? I thought he’s quite charming with a great sense of humor. And he’s such a big flirt. But again, I thought to myself, “I don’t do office romance.”
Fast forward, present day… So this guy, my new LI ( = love/lust interest… pick your choice), I’ll call him Zohan. He’s now moved to heavy flirting with me. And shame on me, I’m actually returning the favor but I thought to myself if he does ask me out I already practiced Zohan’s line (think of the accent) : “You do not eat where you sheet or sheet where you eat… the smell is bad.” I thought this would be a light-hearted way of turning him down. I didn’t want him to feel rejected. But to my surprise, he didn’t ask me out how a normal guy would. I’ve never been asked the way he did. I felt interrogated and pressured but in a good way. I just kept on laughing and we went back and forth like we were negotiating. I can’t even put in writing how it went down. Needless to say, he made me feel that whether I say yes or no, I might regret it. lol
The voice in my head is deafening — “Don’t mess with the Zohan.“, in more ways than one. Besides the idea of having a office romance being complicated, what would complicate it more is that there are women at work throwing themselves at him. Not that I’m afraid of competition but they’re younger and aggressive and definitely not old-fashioned/conservative (read: “prudish“) like me. I’m afraid that he might like the easy way in and decide I’m not worth the chase. On the other hand, I’m thinking he might just be challenged coz I seem to be “uptight” (his words) and not giving anyone there the time of day.
I don’t understand how he makes me feel but I seem to end up saying stupid stuff, like I go “Did I just say that?” right after I finish a sentence. Needless to say, as much as he makes me very uncomfortable… and I feel that he’s annoying me to the max like it was his life purpose. I seem to not be able to get him off my mind lately. I really enjoy our interactions. He’s a great listener, very witty and he makes me laugh… a lot!
But I feel something good will come out of this… (at least that’s what I think the butterflies in my stomach is telling me.)
So I said, “Yes.”
Grosses bises ♥ Etoile
I’ve already watched this movie in the past but whilst I was channel surfing the other night I felt like watching it again. Could it have something to do with Olivier Martinez being hot and French? Maybe? Or it could be because I was contemplating about the dilemma of either being in a committed relationship or just staying single forever. Yeah, that’s it!
I was debating about the “what if’s” in case I end up in another relationship and in case I meet another person that I might think is “The One” when I thought I have already found “The One” in the first place. What if I made a mistake? What do I do? I know it seems stupid. But what do you do if that’s the case?
Cheating is not an option. I was with my ex for more than 15 years and I have never cheated on him even though I was feeling hurt, unhappy, miserable, neglected, lonely… you name it. In the last 5 years of my marriage, we started getting estranged and moved towards a platonic relationship. I stayed in my bedroom and he was in the guestroom… our rooms at opposite ends of the house.
We have talked about divorce many times during our petty squabbles. Well, he did. I knew he never meant it but I don’t want to be threatened… then we just stopped talking. When I finally brought it up, it seemed like he was in shock. I know none of us wanted this divorce. We still loved each other but love wasn’t enough in this case. I decided that I was done with the status quo. How can you live with a partner who thinks that there’s no problem when there’s this huge elephant in the middle of the room all these years? Is he blind??? The first step in finding a resolution is to acknowledge that there is a problem then move forward towards fixing it… but as they say, it takes Two to Tango and I would’ve taken a partner with two left feet who at least showed that they’d do everything to make this dance work.
During our last year together, I asked him if we can try one last time and I was going to give it my best shot if he was willing… we tried, and tried… it was short lived. How many times have we done this in the past? I can’t even count… He thought I had unrealistic expectations. I was just tired of broken promises. I started to feel emotionally unfaithful, detached, and untrustworthy though there was nobody in particular, I just knew I could not go on living like this. I knew I wasn’t going to act on it but I wasn’t happy that now, my mind has finally started wandering… wondering…
Life is short.
Right now, I feel like my head is filled with doubts and insecurities about my Frenchie. I feel like while I’m still ahead… while I feel like nobody is going to get hurt. I might as well do some damage control and stop it here. Yes, I know I said this so many times. I feel like the boy who cried wolf. He probably won’t believe me anymore. He might think I’m just playing mind games but I really am not. If he only knows how much I like him but how terrified I am to do anything about it coz of how much I’ve been hurt in the past. I don’t want to feel paranoid and it’s hard not to feel that way in an LDR. There’s a constant need for reassurance and a big deal of trust plays a major part for this kind of relationship to last.
I just want to concentrate on what matters most right now. It’s my children, my responsibilities, my bucket lists, my school… there’s so much on my plate and I keep on saying that I cannot afford distractions and the last year or so I have been so transparent on how I let these distractions run my life.
I have to focus…
What to do??? S.O.S
Grosses bises ♥ Etoile
I love this song. I have yet to find “The One”, Mr. Right, My King, my Soulmate… with whom I feel I can genuinely feel this way about. It will be tough coz when I take a “leap” I go head first but not before analyzing and weighing things first.
I don’t normally go in blindly.
So how do I explain the failed relationships?
I got nothing. 😦
Grosses bises ♥ Etoile
Women are such intuitive beings. The problem is, we can be so blind when we feel emotionally involved with someone, whether it is love, infatuation or just lust . We tend to rationalize things and be excellent fairy tale writers… don’t you think?
There’s a point where the fine line between reality and fantasy becomes a significantly gray area and for some reason, when we get involved, we lose our common sense. Our intuitive powers get covered and blocked by a cloak of multi-colored flowers and rainbows and unicorns. We see a prince, a super hero and refuse to see the frog with a cape… if that’s the case.
We tend to gradually slip into la la land and allow ourselves to stay there until we slowly feel that there is pain or some kind of discomfort coming our way. The butterflies in our stomach that we used to welcome and embrace excitedly suddenly turns into an uncomfortable fluttering that we wish would go away when we wake up from this slumber.
We start to feel the distortion of our reality. Starting from that small pinch in our hearts that gradually becomes sharper, stronger, lingering. Then we start to see the writings on the wall. It’s been there all along. How can we be so blind?
I believe deep in our minds and hearts that we know the truth but we just can’t admit that we made the wrong choice and we’re already in too deep. Oh my, I guess I’ve just been in enough failed relationships that I just don’t trust myself anymore.
I choose ME this time.
I think I’d rather guard my heart.
Grosses bises Etoile
PS: I’m just having one of those days. Contemplating on the past. Thinking about why I can’t move forward. I guess I just have major trust issues now that’s a big hurdle in my life… 😦