We were chatting for almost 4 hours yesterday. He’s in Germany, I’m in the US and the time difference didn’t seem to matter. Not anymore. He was in the comfort of his room on the ship and I was in my bed. It wasn’t like that when we were in an LDR ages ago. He had to remind me. We were just reminiscing about the past then he said I was irritable then whenever he’d call me from wherever he was on the other side of the world… Russia, Africa, Australia, Sweden, Italy. It didn’t matter what time it was. We usually just had a few minutes. He says it just seemed like I was always too busy to chat. But it was different then. We didn’t have many options for communication during those times… unlike now. There’s FB messenger, facetime, Skype, WhatsApp, viber, etc. so many to choose from nowadays. But that’s water under the bridge. You see, he’s the reason I don’t wanna do anymore LDR’s… the reason why I was having reservations with my Frenchie in “Love is a Risk“.
He says he didn’t know what happened to me on our second attempt. I used to be a Hopeless Romatic when we were in our 20’s. We were so in love. Where did that love go? I should’ve known better. He was stiil in love with me and wanted to get married and I warned him that I have changed. For starters, the spark wasn’t there and I wasn’t attracted to him anymore (I didn’t say that though). But he insisted that we should give it a chance and he’d be a great dad to my daughters. I had no doubt about that. I was in my 30’s and I was just thinking about my daughters and making things right with him so I said yes. That was a big mistake. I thought we could rekindle the old flame, that I would be able to reciprocate his love. I hurt him instead.
Anyway, on our second time back together … those times he had to leave the ship and brave the elements to find a phone just to get a hold of me. He was an officer but he wasn’t the highest ranking then so it wasn’t as easy. He traveled the world while I was here waiting for his calls and letters (and some packages sometimes). I was working a lot. This was during the time when we got back together. He was my college sweetheart. This was our second attempt at getting engaged and planning a life together. I’ve already been married, had kids, been divorced. I was a single mom then with 2-3 jobs and he’d call me at crazy hours just coz that was when he can manage to get off the ship and find a phone. You can just imagine why I was cranky. I was too exhausted having to work fulltime and take care of my little kids on my own. I was so burned out. I’m not making any excuses but getting a call in the middle of the night and feeling rushed isn’t exactly romantic and this happened many times.
This brought back sad memories. Opened old wounds. He heard me sniffling. He asked if I was crying. I said ‘No’ but he knew. He apologized. He didn’t mean to go back and make it raw again. We just wanted to talk about the good times. I apologized, too. I didn’t realize how mean and unreasonable I was back then. I was just so tired and I was so frustrated. I wanted him so bad to be here. The problem was he didn’t want to come here without enough savings to be able to support me and my girls. He didn’t want me to be the one to work and pay for everything while he just stayed at home. He says he went to school to work on board the ship and that’s the only job he knew then and he would’ve been able to support us but I didn’t want an absent husband. He just wanted to wait a little longer to save up enough money to put up a business. We couldn’t agree on that and the waiting just killed it. I guess it just died a natural death. I knew it wasn’t going anywhere and I hurt him again. I had to break it to him. We were not gettting any younger.
I normally just share one song whenever I post but I bumped into this one as I was wrapping this up and I thought that if this song became a hit during our time then it would have been one of our songs just because of what he went through with not only my dad but my dad’s side of the family as well. I did mention that we didn’t belong to the same social class. What I failed to mention is that we were not quite from the same race/culture either and that was an issue on my dad’s side of the family as well. My MAR told me that whatever he went through helped him strive to succeed and right now I can say that I am so very proud of him. He is very successful in his career and in his business dealings. He says he owes it to me since I really believed in him and because he learned a lot about how to manage money from me. Oh, that is so sweet. 🙂
My dad’s response in relation to us getting married was that we’re water and oil and there’s a saying that water and oil can never mix. We could have eloped but my MAR knew how close I was to my dad and I wouldn’t do anything to break his heart so we waited for Papa to have a change of heart. My MAR never made me choose between him and my dad .
What surprised me the most during our conversation was that I found out certain things that I never knew. The first time we broke up before I got married to Mr. So Wrong, I was here in the US and I thought he was cheating on me because of some rumors I heard. He explained what happened and I believe him. It wasn’t like what I heard but I was too hurt and there was no way for me to find out then. He also told me that there was a time that he went to Texas and he tried to contact my grandmother who lived there so he can find me but she didn’t tell him where I was. I never found out about this until now. My grandma died a couple of years after that. I guess she took that to her grave.
We’re at a place now where we’re ok. We can talk about things. We accept that things happened for a reason because if we were meant to be together then we would’ve been with each other right now no matter what. We have stayed friends and we talk from time to time. We talked about the things we endured and we sacrificed to keep our relationship going when we were younger. He says he acknowledged all the pain I had to go through just to be with him. Against all the odds.
I feel fortunate to have been blessed to experience this kind of love. To love and be loved deeply and be respected equally in return. I had no doubt that he would’ve taken a bullet for me and I would have done the same for him. I have never loved this way again after that and if I never will, I’d still feel grateful because not everyone can say that they have experienced this kind of love in their lifetime.