Last Tango in Paris

Today is a significant day for me so I wanted to write something good. It’s been exactly  9 months since that serendipitous day when I met my Frenchie in Paris … Wow! A strange thought just crossed my mind…  if we had “unprotected” sex  that day, we probably would have had a baby by now… LOL   Will it just be a dream forever???  To consumate our je ne sais quoi. Well, it’s not possible anyway… ain’t gonna happen. 🙂

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It’s been a while since I got a chance to really write about my Frenchie. I had some thoughts but I guess I’m experiencing writers block. That’s a thing, right? I don’t know why I don’t feel as inspired anymore. I mentioned something about the “hedonic treadmill” on my last blog. Maybe that’s it, maybe not. I just can’t shake it off. I miss getting excited. I miss the anticipation and the mind blowing … conversations 😉 we used to have… hehe — you thought I was gonna say something else, huh… lol

I was watching a rerun of one of my fave shows last night, “Psych“… one of the characters mentioned “Last Tango in Paris” so I looked it up almost immediately… I’ve watched this Psych show before… (how did I miss that?) but this time around it seems like it spoke directly to me… I thought it would make for a great blog title… I had no idea what the movie was about… and the plot thickens… I googled it and found it on youtube. I watched some parts — most of it actually. I really didn’t understand what was going on between those two characters. It seems like they just used sex to numb whatever they were dealing with at that point in their lives. Well, whatever works, right? And whatever makes moolah in the box office… Cha-ching!!!

It’s not the language or the dialogue that I didn’t get, it’s just how they wanted what they wanted.  It’s supposed to be a good movie but it had a stupid ending. Sorry! Spoiler alert!  I posted the synopsis at the bottom of this blog.  I was disappointed in Marlon Brando. He’s a great actor… they could have tweaked this. 

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Anyway, after I watched this movie, I thought about my Frenchie and how  much I’ve missed him. I also thought about how similar our story is to this movie (not the sex part coz I never slept with him — we never even kissed.). I feel that we’re just wasting our time… I’m wasting his time. I don’t know what he wants from me because I have nothing to offer him. Not at this point at least. He’s very sweet and understanding and he’s just waiting, for what, I don’t really know. But it’s not fair. So I think the best thing to do is to cut him loose… cancel our planned September tryst and just move on with our separate lives. Now I just need some closure…

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

 

 

SYNOPSISLast Tango in Paris (ItalianUltimo tango a Parigi) is a 1972 Franco-Italian erotic drama film directed by Bernardo Bertolucci .  Brando was a middle-aged recently widowed American mourning his wife’s suicide, he meets a young, engaged Parisian woman named Jeanne at an apartment that both are interested in renting. Paul takes the apartment after he begins an anonymous sexual relationship with the young betrothed Jeanne there. He insists that neither of them must share any personal information, even given names. The affair continues until one day, Jeanne arrives at the apartment and finds that Paul has packed up and left without warning. Paul later meets Jeanne on the street and says he wants to renew the relationship. He tells her of the recent tragedy of his wife. As he tells his life story, they walk into a tango bar, where he continues telling her about himself. The loss of anonymity disillusions Jeanne about their relationship. She tells Paul she does not want to see him again. Paul, not wanting to let Jeanne go, chases her back to her apartment, where he tells her he loves her and wants to know her name. Long story short she shot him dead. The End. 

Happy Father’s Day…

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote about my Frenchie. I just haven’t been in the mood. He’s been bugging me the past several weeks about Skype-ing or even talking on WhatsApp asking about my schedule but I feel there’s nothing to talk about. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed with school. Or maybe it’s something else.  There’s some stuff going on in my personal life, too.  A couple of deaths in the family in the last month and I did mention it to him in one of my texts and he says he understood if I’m not up to talking about it though he encouraged me that it would be therapeutic. I know… I know… then my pet died this morning… can it get any worse???

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Anyway, I’ve been reading his texts and listening to his audios, watching his video messages and of course he knows it coz it’s WhatsApp. For some reason I have to push myself to respond a little more promptly but it seems to take much effort. It didn’t use to be this way. I used to be so excited every time I hear that “knocking” sound… that very special sound letting me know that I have something “special” from my Frenchie and I couldn’t wait to respond to him. Now I seem to have lost that feeling and I want it back. I want it back so bad…  This makes me think of  the “hedonic treadmill theory“… is this what’s going on with me?  I’m generally happy anyway but I just miss the euphoria that he brought into my life… like a drug… lol 😉 … but like I said… maybe it’s school and the other stuff that’s happening.

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So, it’s Father’s day. I had to break the silence and greet him. Play nice. Then he sent me a recent photo of his boys. Omg!!! I was so elated! They’re soooo cute!!! I’ve been waiting for him to send me new photos. Now I got it. And he promised me more. He says he didn’t forget. He knew it would bring a smile to my face. He’s been so busy traveling for business that he doesn’t get to see them much coz they live in another city outside of Paris. Now I’m very happy.  🙂

I guess the ball is back in my court… 😉

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

 

 

Ghosting Will

I’ve always thought (or maybe feared?) that I may be on the receiving end of this. But now it seems I’m on the giving end of it  not that I like it that way. I feel that some men who are “jerks”  in general do it coz they’re just being that — “jerks” and  don’t want to deal with confrontations or be a man about it.  But there are also decent guys who simply don’t want to hurt your feelings but know that whatever they say there’s no way around it so it’s better to just not call — still a “jerk” so either way they can’t win, right?

In my case (not that I’m trying to justify it) I have talked to Will many times, however, he won’t listen to reason. So I didn’t really “ghost” him in its true sense as I’m kinda using it as one of my last resort. What would you do if it seems that your only option is “ghosting”? Honestly, I don’t agree in using this as a means of ending a relationship (or whatever it is we have). But if the other person is being difficult and you run out of options then what’s left to do is to just cut off all communication.

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Well, I’ve been “ghosted” before. At least I thought I was… by my Frenchie. It wasn’t pleasant.  I was devastated. I didn’t hear from him for days and it turned out that he had no access to an internet connection. Where could that be??? Nowadays, I think  we can be reached even if we’re in Timbuktu,  Mt. Everest, the Sahara desert or the Amazon rainforest. To say the least, I left him a short VM that he heard when he got back in Paris and he called me immediately. I was happy and angry at the same time and I made myself crystal clear. Long story short, that didn’t happen again.

I am not justifying ghosting in any way but I have maintained that I just wanted to be friends and I couldn’t handle the pressure that my friendship with Will was putting on me. I was enjoying our daily conversations but whenever he starts talking about “our future” which I don’t really see with him I just feel that my being mum would hurt him and I wouldn’t want to lie to him either. If he cannot accept my friendship and cannot respect that it is all I can offer I’d rather that we just move on as much as it hurts.

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On a side note, I found this photo and a caption on the side that says “the world’s shittiest break-up method”… lol   haha   It appears that it’s just guys who does the ghosting . Really? I’ve heard stories about women ghosting annoying men though it’s not as rampant.

 

It’s been several weeks since I have responded to Will’s phone/video calls, text messages, or any attempts of communication. I don’t know why I haven’t blocked him yet. It pains me every time he says how much he loves me and that he won’t give up. How he says “it doesn’t matter that I don’t answer, he just wants me to know that he doesn’t love me any less”. It breaks my heart but at the same time I’m thinking “What is wrong with this man???” I have done this to him several times in the many months we have known each other… He has said “Have a nice life. Goodbye!” Many times and yet he comes back for more and says it again. He shouldn’t have a problem finding women in London since he is quite handsome. Is he masochistic???  Does he get off getting hurt or rejected. I’m just a regular chick. What makes him think I’m so special? Ugh!!! I have told him time and again to move on  and that he deserved someone who would be able to reciprocate his affection and devotion. I don’t want to lead him on. If that meant we had to end our friendship, as much as it hurts it has to be done.

Anyway, a few days ago I got a viber call. I thought it was my dad so I almost picked up but when I saw his photo my heart was crushed. I guess I still miss him.  I just stared at his handsome image on my phone. I couldn’t reject it but I couldn’t pick it up either. I just let it ring until it stopped. I realized that I wasn’t over him. Then he sent me a text message. He’s here in the US. He wanted to talk… maybe meet if I’m still up to it…  He’s been here and was leaving for London. Is he really  finally here? Or is it a ploy to finally get me to talk to him again? It’s been a while that I haven’t responded to any of his attempts to get in touch with me… he should understand that I want to be left alone… I’ve said it many times in not so many words. I don’t want to be confused anymore…

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile