My Dirty Little Secret…

I don’t know how to start… I can’t say I’m cheating on my “Frenchie” since we’re not in a “committed” relationship, i.e., he’s not my boyfriend and I’m not his girlfriend. Our   relationship is quite unconventional… unorthodox… It may be just a “flirtationship” of sorts… plain and simple…  However, somehow, it still doesn’t feel right… even though  he’s probably doing the same thing in Paris or wherever he is right now. He is a very charming man after all. But it’s not for him or myself… it’s for Will  that I have to make it right.

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So I met Will about the same time… he is my “hotness overload”. He seems to have stepped out of the cover of a Men’s European Vogue  magazine. He has the looks of a Hollywood actor and the physique of a French model…. or should I say a Greek god. He is tall, dark-ish and extremely handsome. And he is “in love” with me. Or so he claims. He communicates with me everyday… during the day and in the evenings and sometime in between either by phone, text or Skype. I don’t know how I managed to juggle him and my Frenchie (all those months) in between my very busy work and school schedule… I guess sometimes I just had to tell a white lie ” busy, in a meeting…” or sorry, I was sleeping… driving… in the gym… doing my school paper… etc…” Like I said to my Frenchie, I told Will that I just want to focus on school, I didn’t want to be distracted by relationships for the time being…  friendship is fine..  we can chat in my free time. He says he was fine with that. Great! And that’s how it all started.

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I was looking for a cover of a European Men’s Fashion mag with a male model that I can say is as handsome as Will but I can’t find one. As much as I want to post his photo just to show how handsome/hot he is, I know that’s wrong. So I picked this coz Alexander S. is a big crush of mine from True Blood. Love him to pieces!!! But with all due respect, he doesn’t even come close.


I remember the first time he said “I love you”… I pretended not to hear it and he pretended that it was an accident. It happened a few more times then I said we had to talk. I asked him to please stop saying it coz I don’t know how I feel about him. He said it doesn’t matter coz he knows how he feels about me and asked me not to stop him from expressing how he feels coz he’s not expecting me to say it back if I don’t feel it. Whoa! Anyway… I did fall for him (I think)…. briefly… how could I not?…but that was just a moment of confusion. My feelings for my Frenchie  was a lot stronger though Will is waaaay more hot & attractive in most attributes (I can’t even compare) but they were mostly physical. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and I know most women would go for Will as my female friends and sister have but my heart has voted and won by a landslide. 😉

I feel like a hypocrite… I know I didn’t want to be in a relationship with my Frenchie but the “dynamics” of our “LDR” is different compared to what I had with Will. I would make an attempt to explain it but it’s way too complicated. My Frenchie inspires me in ways that I can’t even explain. He turned my life around. The color of the rainbow is way more than RoyGBiv… Meeting him paved way to an opening of a portal of sorts for me and now I can see a limitless future with or without him. That’s it in a nutshell… I can’t expect you to get it but it is what it is.


So I stopped talking to Will. It’s more like a one way communication. But I can’t stop myself from reading his texts and listening to his messages. It’s like I’m addicted to him after months of this I can’t go “cold turkey”. I know he knows that I’m still here. I wish he’d stop sending them. Do I??? Maybe I do, maybe I don’t…  It is part of my daily routine… like making my oatmeal and green juice as soon as I wake up in the morning and doing yoga or going for a run. My day won’t be complete without it.  But my dear conscience says it’s morally wrong because I cannot reciprocate his feelings… have you been in that space where you seem to know what to do but at the same time you don’t? There I am right now. A fork on the road… what to take??? I don’t know… help… S.O.S


Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile


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