When I decided to “embark” on this je ne sais quoi, I made a conscious decision that I will embrace all the emotions that go with it to the max and take the risk of getting hurt in the process because it comes with the territory. I haven’t felt so happy in a long time. It was a “high” that I enjoyed for several months now… time has flown… it’s been more than half a year.
Am I falling in love??? It’s easy… he’s quite intense… passionate… It’s the kind of emotion that rocks your foundation and leaves you feeling consumed. Yeah, that’s it! He was the first thing I thought about when I woke up every morning and the last thing I thought about before I went to sleep at night. I was floating on cloud nine as soon as I jump out of bed every single day. How can I help it? His texts, calls, voice mails or video messages would greet me as soon as I opened my eyes. Is there a better way to wake up? He brightens my day and puts a smile on my face… yes, every single day… 🙂 He makes me feel like a teenager again. I almost forgot how that feels… it’s a great feeling… I feel so alive!
But I’m not ready… I was the one who said this was not going to happen. He’s over there in Paris and I’m here 5000+ miles away. I was very clear with him when I said that I’m focused on school and I don’t want any distractions. I even told him that I would’ve gone out with him if we lived in the same city but we don’t, so it’s not going to happen coz it’s not going to work for me. I was “cold”! And he said he understood… his exact words… “I understand.” He said it in English, plain and simple. I kinda hoped he said something else. It’s not like his English was that limited. I looked at him and he looked stunned, somewhat in deep thought… But that made it a little easy and less awkward. So we moved on to the next topic. Ugh!
I don’t know how many times my heart died a little bit during this “jnsq” with my Frenchie… I have no idea if the feeling is mutual… maybe if I just had the balls to ask but I’m a coward… a big chicken!!! How I wish he would speak up… just spit it out. He told me one time that he missed me but he is not the type of person who is good with words. Whatever! Though in his little ways he drives me crazy so sure it works… haha
Still, I decided to take this on because of the “safety net” of our distance but then a friend of mine shared with me this quote… “A ship in the harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are for.” It is so true. I kinda liked the feeling of being “safe”… not being “hurt” but then you don’t enjoy the other side of the spectrum which is joie de vivre. A ship isn’t fulfilling its purpose safely docked as our hearts are not meant to be restrained. We have to unleash our hearts to its full potential by being vulnerable and risking to love someone by giving them the power to break your heart but trusting them not to. It is so scary but as the saying goes… what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
The last couple of weeks, I have also made a conscious decision to open up my heart to the “Universe”. So I have started the process… the ball is rolling… slowly but surely… it is no longer just in the hands of my Frenchie. As I have mentioned, I am in school so I am in no hurry… I am just cultivating friendship(s) and see where it goes as I am aware that these things don’t happen overnight. My knight in shining armor… my future King… the One who will occupy the throne to my heart.
I have started creating the space and energy to invite what I want in my life… I have rearranged my bedroom, did space clearing, feng shui and bought some artwork for my headboard (The Kiss) that will attract what I want and who I AM. I have started listening to Abraham Hicks, Deepak Chopra , Dr. Wayne Dyer, etc… my fave authors from the Law of Attraction … I read this quote somewhere and it somehow opened up my eyes “You need to BE the right partner before you can know if you’re with the right partner.“ So I know I really have to work on myself first so I can attract who I am… the one who shares the same core values that I have.
My dear “Universe”, it’s all up to you now…