I wrote another “thank you, bye…” note to my Frenchie… this is probably the 3rd or 4th… that’s kinda like batting one TYB note per month since we started this LDR/RCR… We’re on our 4th month. (I didn’t think it was going to last this long… Wow!) but this time around I was almost sure I was going to send it… I already went thru the 5 stages of grief… in a week… I’m serious… Am I crazy or what! haha Anyway, I was going thru this heartache… the pain was almost physical… we talked about not “ghosting” each other so I know I had to either tell him via Skype or email… I did provide him an “out” just before the New Year but he didn’t take it… why oh why does it have to be so complicated???
I remember when we just started, I made a decision to go for it… enjoy the “high” and take the risk of probably falling for him and getting hurt in the process. I told my bestfriend that I know I’m taking a risk of getting hurt but I feel it’s worth it considering the high I get from our je ne sais quoi or whatever this thing that we haven’t labeled yet may be called. I know for sure that no matter how much it may hurt me it will be all worth it in the end… I have felt alive again even for just a brief moment… I just want to experience how it feels and be able to cherish it.
So I guess at this point I’m enjoying an extended ride… I failed to mention that last November my Frenchie has verbalized his desire to visit me sometime next year in the US and I suggested to just meet either in New York city or somewhere in Canada and he agreed. I didn’t want to keep my hopes up… didn’t really think he was serious… but as we’re going along it seems more and more possible and it’s quite apparent that his conversations (VM/ texts) have evolved from physical to “feelings”… or is it just in my head??? I remember how our conversations escalated quickly after about a couple of months and letting him know that I was uncomfortable and wanted to pace it. He has been really nice and understanding and such a gentleman, however, he seemed to not want to share deep stuff and we were barely scratching the surface in those couple of months… I thought I turned him off… then I started noticing that he was kinda warming up sometime in December talking about work, how his day went, his family, his 2 kids… then out of the blue he started talking about feelings and using “feely”words like love, miss, etc. He also started to say promise and plan (which he seemed allergic to in the beginning). Did I mention that I have never received long texts (as in email-long) coated with tons of emojis before… and 5-6 minute long voice messages… until I met this guy… really! For Christmas and New Year’s Eve, he left me the sweetest longest VM ever… it was better than chocolate and roses 🙂
Now he’s made some promises and I’ll be able to gauge his integrity based on how he keeps these promises. I’m really big on integrity and character. These are 2 big things that define us as a person. I hope it will start to be less of a roller coaster ride and more of a leisurely ride… I’m really excited about the prospect of actually seeing him in a few months… I’m just keeping my fingers crossed… and keeping the faith…
Grosses bises ♥ Etoile
Check this out… I’m prepping for the worst… LOL