I dream of Paris…

Every time I see anything that has a picture or sculpture of La  Tour Eiffel  it seems like a portal that takes me back to Paris in a heartbeat. My daughter actually jokes that I need an intervention. haha    For some reason, since I came back from my trip, it’s like everywhere I go there’s some kind of thing that reminds me of Paris. It may have been there before but now maybe I have become more aware of these things… or maybe it’s a sign that I should go back… soon.

I don’t know what it is but I feel so drawn to it. I can’t seem to point it out… I just loooove Paris… I can’t wait to go back with my daughter summer of next year. Gosh! I’ve been planning it since I got back last summer saying in 2 years and now it’s next year already… Whoa!!!

Yesterday, my daughter went to my bedroom to surprise me with a new eye mask… it’s pink silk and black lace with “dreaming of Paris” written on it.  I was excited to use it. I definitely daydream about Paris almost everyday before I go to sleep. I can’t wait… and I’ll be seeing my Frenchie and we’ll be kissing by the Tour Eiffel and taking selfies… LOL  That is, of course, depending on how wishy-washy I can get about our LDR… decisions… decisions… 😉

Well, I’m quite excited to meet up with my Frenchie when he comes to visit me here this year but it won’t be the same… the allure that is Paris will definitely heighten the senses, the excitement, the “pleasure” (one of his most favorite words… haha)  of the experience.

I can’t wait to actually be there and live as a local no matter how short or temporary. I want to experience it from a local’s point of view, with “pleasure”…  and not as a tourist like the first time.  I want to also stay in the countryside, ride a bike… go on a picnic, eat baguettes, cheese and drink wine with my Frenchie… it may sound cliche, like in the movies but I would like to say that I have lived that dream I had and crossed it out from my Bucket List.

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

Roller Coaster Ride

I wrote another “thank you, bye…” note to my Frenchie… this is probably the 3rd or 4th… that’s kinda like batting one TYB note per month since we started this LDR/RCR… We’re on our 4th month. (I didn’t think it was going to last this long… Wow!) but this time around I was almost sure I was going to send it… I already went thru the 5 stages of grief… in a week… I’m serious… Am I crazy or what! haha        Anyway,  I was going thru this heartache… the pain was almost physical… we talked about not “ghosting” each other so I know I had to either tell him via  Skype or email… I did provide him an “out” just before the New Year but he didn’t take it… why oh why does it have to be so complicated???

I remember when we just started, I made a decision to go for it… enjoy the “high” and take the risk of probably falling for him and getting hurt in the process. I told my bestfriend that I  know I’m taking a risk of getting hurt but I feel it’s worth it considering the high I get from our  je ne sais quoi or whatever this thing that we haven’t labeled yet may be called. I know for sure that no matter how much it may hurt me  it will be all worth it in the end… I have felt alive again even for just a brief moment… I just want to experience how it feels and be able to cherish it.

So I guess at this point I’m enjoying an extended ride… I failed to mention that last November my Frenchie has verbalized his desire to visit me sometime next year in the US and I suggested to just meet either in New York city or somewhere in Canada and he agreed. I didn’t want to keep my hopes up… didn’t really think he was serious… but as we’re going along it seems more and more possible and it’s quite apparent that his conversations (VM/ texts) have evolved from physical to “feelings”… or is it just in my head???  I remember how our conversations escalated quickly after about a couple of months and letting him know that I was uncomfortable and wanted to pace it. He has been really nice and understanding and such a gentleman, however, he seemed to not want to share deep stuff and we were barely scratching the surface in those couple of months… I thought I turned him off… then I started noticing that he was kinda warming up sometime in December talking about work, how his day went, his family, his 2 kids… then out of the blue he started talking about feelings and using “feely”words like love, miss, etc. He also started to say promise and plan  (which he seemed allergic to in the beginning). Did I mention that I have never received long texts (as in email-long) coated with  tons of emojis before… and 5-6 minute long voice messages… until I met this guy… really! For Christmas and  New Year’s Eve, he left me the sweetest longest VM ever… it was better than chocolate and roses 🙂

Now he’s made some promises and I’ll  be able to gauge his integrity based on how he keeps these promises. I’m really big on integrity and character. These are 2 big things that define us as a person.  I hope it will start to be less of a roller coaster ride and more of a  leisurely ride… I’m really excited about the prospect of actually seeing him in a few months… I’m just keeping my fingers crossed… and keeping the faith…

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

 

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Check this out… I’m prepping for the worst… LOL

 

 

 

We Attract the LOVE we Think we Deserve

Oh-em-gee!!! I started the New Year with a bang indeed!

I got a call from one of my ex’s who says he’s been thinking about me and thought I was the best etc etc {not sharing the deets ;-)}… while my FM was texting me his sweet nothings on the other line…  and got a marriage proposal from one of my long time admirers (10+ years) who obviously is still in love with moi. And all of these happened on NY day… what’s a girl gotta do… am I being bad or what???

Anyway,  as much as I was excited about all that… still, I know in my heart that none of them is Mr. Right. funny though that my ex was Mr. Right for a long time. I have never been in a relationship where I felt that both of us loved each other terribly equally after we broke up. We got together years after and we got engaged again but I broke it off coz I have changed… do I regret that move? maybe… but I have moved on since and I was hoping he has. It’s still great to reminisce about the good times. I can say that he was my best so far if you look at the big picture but I don’t want to dwell on the one that got away coz for some reason I know that as much as he would do his best to make me happy, I know I have changed and wanted more than he can offer… that’s why it didn’t work out the second time around.

Some time this week I showed one of my girlfriends my Frenchie’s photo and I sighed “Isn’t he a hottie…” and my friend looked at me with a serious face and said… you better not forget who’s the hottie here… it’s you… he’s alright… you can do better than him… you’re the cutie… keep that in mind. It did make me think… I have dated guys way hotter than him but he is my “Mr. Right Now”… I don’t know how I came to that decision but I’m thinking, is it the allure of being French? I never thought I would get attracted to French men… definitely not gaga over their accent. (no offense meant.) I’d still rather be with a Latino, British or maybe an Italian though my last Italian bf/fiance kinda smothered me with his attention and sweetness I would not generalize them all though… except maybe for the womanizing gene… haha 😉

I have dreamt many times of going back to Paris and kissing by the Tour Eiffel in the rain or snow. (I am such a hopeless romantic!) I was hoping it would be with my Frenchie but I’m starting to consider him part of the past… he’s just one of the sweetest dreams I had in my life and I’m ready to close that chapter {after all the brain boners I got from our short flirtatious stint… wink wink 😉 } I’m just grateful to God that our paths crossed… he was a breath of fresh air in the vanilla flavored life I’ve been living the last few years… he kinda made it “French Vanilla” flavored when he came into my life…(pun intended) I couldn’t wait til he rocked my world coz I can’t see it going there… I’m not the LDR (long distance romance ) type of chick. I expect my man to woo me and sweep me off my feet beyond the internet. Call me needy but 5,000 miles is insane… I don’t know what I was thinking… it was fun while it lasted…

At this point, as much as my heart hurts, I feel that there’s no point to keep it going without anyone getting hurt. If this progresses to something bigger, I know I wouldn’t want to move to Paris (well, maybe… no, not really…) away from my kids and he has little kids and a budding business so I’m not expecting him to move here either. I’d rather end it now while it just stings… it does sting like hell… ouch!!! 😦

So I guess I’m getting off topic… but it’s a scary dating world out there… as much as I get clear that I don’t want to play mind games, looks like it’s not even possible… especially with me being in my 40’s. A friend of mine told me that stats dictate that it’s more likely for women over 40 to get struck by lightning than to meet “The One”.  There’s not a lot of choices in the buffet of available, decent, educated, successful, spiritual, committed men… and the list goes on… Plus I seem to be a really bad judge of character, a poor picker, a frog kisser… etc etc etc… but I have to change that mindset… See, I have created this negative mindset backed up by statistics. But I know that I can be optimistic about it and magnetize the love I deserve. Thru positive affirmations and vision boards and lists and being mindful, I know that this time around I will find my Mr. Right, my “Mr. Perfect for Me” and be able to spend the rest of my life with him. I will not settle… I will be open-minded and remind myself of the kind of love I’m looking for… what I deserve… what I’m worth… I will work on myself to find that one person that will “mirror” the kind of loving person I am. I will definitely find that one guy made perfect for me by God… the one who will complement my unconditional love. Through prayers and with the help of my angel guides, he will fall on my lap hot and ready in God’s time.

 

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile

Carpe Diem in 2016… My “Yes!!!” Year

I would like to welcome all possibilities in 2016… I am saying bye to 2015 with my heart full of gladness and gratitude and embrace what’s new in 2016 keeping an open mind about what it’s going to bring into my life.  I’m so used to assessing and calculating the risks I take on in my life stepping on eggshells as I move forward and being directed by fear and anxiety but I have now made a conscious decision to let go of that fear (or at least conquer it).  So for 2016 this is my Mantra ~~~>

‘Do one thing everyday that scares you.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt

I have let opportunities go past me many times in my life because of fear. Most of them related to my girls and mental “programs” or “limiting beliefs” I grew up with… I wanted to try new stuff or buy things but I always think I have to prioritize my kid’s needs or  that I may get injured in the process and I might not be able to work and put food on the table. But now that they’re big enough I feel more comfortable and courageous. I feel that I can start thinking about myself and taking care of my needs.

Now I ask myself… “How can I conquer fear?” It has paralyzed me for a long time that it has become my default setting. I don’t really have a plan… but I know that I have suffered long enough from “analysis paralysis” so that’s one thing I know I should make a shift on… I will catch and stop myself from analyzing too much and JUST DO IT!… whatever it is… I am so excited to finally work on the big items on my Bucket List. The one’s I have put off long enough for reasons that I can’t even think of. The one’s that scare me… this is going to be my “Yes! year…” and I started it with going back to grad school.  I’m so scared I can’t even describe it. I have put it off for about 2 decades and now it’s staring me in the face. I’m terrified alright…

I am also making a conscious decision to allow and attract the LOVE I deserve in my life. I’m going to start working on myself to break the cycle of attracting men that are not emotionally mature or evolved. I would like to be a magnet for “kings“…  I have to stop settling for what I have thinking that … no , in fear of… never getting anything better. God wants us to be happy and we just have to have faith that whoever or whatever comes from Him will fall on our lap, effortlessly in His time.

Michael Hyatt has said,  “Courage is the willingness to act in spite of your fear.” So for 2016, I will muster enough courage or maybe not even think about it… dive in the deep end and swim… or float… either way, I will seize the day… Carpe Diem…   and I have to live with a lot less rules and just “LIVE”… be in the moment… be mindful and conscious of the present moment. Have time to stop and feed my senses… touch, smell, see, feel, taste.

Grosses bises  ♥  Etoile